Are you having the same fight with your partner over and over?
Are you worried that your partner and you aren’t able to heal from past regrettable incidents or things that you feel like you can’t take back?
Are you just feeling distant, like you don’t know each other anymore?
Couple therapy may help. I’m trained in the Gottman Method for couple therapy at Level 3 through the Gottman Institute and Stacy Hubbard, LMFT, who has worked closely with John and July Gottman as a clinical trainer.
What is couples therapy with you like?
Structured:
For big emotions, my use of structure in the Gottman Method can feel containing for clients. I was a teacher in my previous career (anthropology). So, I naturally facilitate structured activities. I use visual aids or external resources to help organize our sessions and break unhelpful patterns in your relationship. I use research-based techniques built upon 52 years of Gottman’s study of couples, looking at their use of language, video recordings of facial expressions, and biometric feedback.
Encouraging:
You have inherent strengths in your relationship. That’s how you may have fallen in love. At the start of therapy, or during tough sessions, I may act as a “translator” of emotions. However, the goal is to help you communicate understanding to your partner. Over time, I focus on improving your understanding of your partner and use of new skills, rather than reliance on me. I may use metaphor, empathic interpretation (like how things relate to childhood experiences), or role model skills in Gottman’s repertoire.
Fun:
We sometimes laugh! Gottman (and other trauma-informed therapists) identify “fondness and admiration” in relationships as a key foundation to sustained attachment.
Respectful:
A client once asked, while reading a Gottman handout, “Do people really talk like that?” No, of course not. Core to my respect for human diversity is a desire to cater each Gottman activity to what fits your context, communication style, cultural expectations of each other, and comfort. Your relationship has a microcosm of value systems that I expect to incorporate into our work together, especially as they relate to race, gender, sexuality, neurodiversity, disability, and class. My clients know me to solicit feedback in this regard and act on that feedback to create an equitable, safe therapy environment.
I’m afraid to be judged in couple therapy.
You may worry that a therapist may choose sides in your relationship, pointing out your faults, or telling you that you are to blame for what’s wrong in your relationship. I seek to work with you both to understand communication difficulties, chains of events, and unconscious patterns that may contribute equally to challenges in your relationship.
Do you offer free consultations?
We begin with Zoom consultation for approximately 20 minutes, at no cost to you. If we agree we might work well together, I would send you intake forms for surveys and onboarding.
What is the assessment period like? How much do you charge?
Gottman couple therapy includes 4 assessment sessions over 3-4 weeks:
Session 1 Couple session for 90 mins ($200).
In between Session 1 and 2, you both would complete the Gottman Relationship Checkup ($39 paid to the Gottman Institute), which is a series of questionnaires that gives us a comprehensive view of your relationship.
Session 2 Individual session with one partner for 45-60min ($200).
Session 3 Individual session with another partner for 45-60min ($200).
Session 4 Couple session for 90 mins ($200). We would speak together about our sessions, Gottman Relationship Checkup results, and options for going forward. I would offer input on strategizing the best path forward for treatment, based upon information gathered.
Do you have sliding scale?
While I am in training, I can offer sliding scale to those who qualify. My fee is determined by public data about the market rate for couple therapy, commensurate with my qualifications and region.
Do you take insurance?
I can offer superbills for couple therapy if you have out-of-network or PPO benefits.
What are therapy sessions like?
Gottman methods therapy, in the way that I was trained by the Gottman Institute, is a mixture of working with your couple’s day-to-day experience and the strategies informed by the assessments at the beginning of our work together. The Gottman Relationship Checkup is designed to identify patterns in your couple and within each partner that contribute to both strengths and challenges in your couple. Each session, I might process challenges facing you currently, then introduce or facilitate practice with each other. My goal is to resource you with the skills, insights, and vision for your relationship that you can use to step into the direction you wish with your partner.
What if I don’t want to stay together with my partner? What’s the point of therapy?
Couple therapy is not necessarily for the purpose of staying together. Rather, skills and processes that you experience in therapy may help you become more conscious of your choices with your partner. Our four sessions of assessment and initial period can give you insight, based on evidence-based surveys.
What if we do the assessment, but still don’t think we are a good fit for therapy with you?
In the event we are not a good fit at any point in our therapy, I can help you find high quality professional referrals. You can keep and use the Gottman Relationship Checkup report in future therapy.
I’m in a non-monogamous relationship with multiple partners. Can we still come see you?
Yes, though it depends. Gottman’s research did not include non-monogamous relationships in its development. However, fundamentals of communication between two people at any given moment in a relationship are the cornerstone of the method. Other authors and therapists have incorporated Gottman’s methods in non-monogamous contexts, like the four horsemen in polyamorous relationships, seven principles of making a marriage work in ethical nonmonogamy, and open marriage in same-sex relationship.
Where can I find more information and free resources?
The Gottman Institute has hundreds of blogs on their website across topics including conflict management, dating, divorce, parenting, infidelity, friendship, parenting, compatibility, and other issues.
The Gottman Love Maps Card Decks is a free app to cultivate greater fondness and connection with your partner through a digital card game. Available for Apple or Android.
YouTube abounds with material featuring John and Julie Gottman. Their recent Ted Talk (June 2024) reflects upon the connection between their decades of work with current events and conflict across the world that appear as win-lose standoffs.
Free downloads of other activities are also available through Gottman daily newsletter.
Other resources:
Polysecure by Jennifer Fern
Focusing by Eugene Gendlin
The Set Boundaries Workbook by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Love More, Fight Less by Gena Senarighi
An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy: Centering the Lives of Indigenous, Racialized, and People of Color by Reece Malone, et al.
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